You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
