I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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