made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is Oprah even human
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
