I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
