Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
