I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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