I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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