someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
