Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
