oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
