i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
