I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
