I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
