I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
