I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
