you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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