i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
