fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
