my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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