i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
