My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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