I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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