i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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