fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
