I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
