He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I still have a little drunk in my system
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
