I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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