Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
