I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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