Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
