# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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