When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
