Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
