how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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