you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
