had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
