NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
