for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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