they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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