i don't like sucking hair
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
