I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
