I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
