My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
