i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
