nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
