I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just want to make out with him forever
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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