I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
