You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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