I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
