Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
