Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
