Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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